My (29M) online friend (30’s F) has been flirting with me. She says her only intention is to boot my ego, but the way she is talking to be seems to be more than that. She will constantly message me and ask me to do things with her in game all the time. She also seems to want to know more about me, but any time I try and ask about her, she kind of brushes it off or changes the subject. She spent an entire day telling me that she had a crush on me (for a year??) and everything that she liked about me (the exact list will make this post too long). I really appreciate what she says, but I feel like I am on an emotional rollercoaster trying to figure out what exactly she wants. I have tried asking her, but it’s usually either ignored or the subject is changed. I do not want to cut ties, because she is an integral part of the group of friends I play with and I don’t want things to be awkward, but I really don’t know how to move forward with this situation. Any advice, even if it’s brutally honest, is welcome.
Okay, so first of all, if the two of you aren’t in physical proximity, the odds of having any kind of real relationship are vanishingly small. So I would recommend writing off this whole “relationship” from the get-go.
Second, while compliments and comments in the moment may feel nice, the emotional rollercoaster doesn’t feel nice. It is good that you recognize this. Now you need to get off the rollercoaster.
Third, a lot of people are talking about what her intentions might be. My policy is to be honest and to generally assume honesty. She says she is complimenting you to help boost your self esteem. This is very nice of her, and you should appreciate her kindness, even if it is misguided.
Forth, the important part - action. Tell her that you appreciate that she is trying to boost your mood, but that you’ve found that the emotional rollercoaster it puts you on makes you feel worse overall. Ask her to stop. If she doesn’t stop, tell her firmly “I’ve asked you to stop doing this. Please stop now or I will stop talking to you.” If she continues, stop talking to her. If this is a problem within your group of friends, reach out to friends individually and explain the situation from your perspective, and ask for their understanding as you maintain your personal boundaries.
This should solve your immediate problem. However, you have a bigger problem. Why are you even hung up on this girl at all? She doesn’t live near you. You don’t seem to know what she looks like. She is violating your boundaries and making you feel bad. Why do you give a single flying fuck about her? Well, the answer is obvious to everyone here - she is the only woman in your life who has shown you any kind of romantic interest lately. You have no options, so even a bad option is enough for you to get all emotionally tangled up. And the solution to this problem is equally obvious: go find more options. It’s like you’re asking us if it’s safe to eat the moldy bread in your cabinet because you forgot grocery stores exist. There are 4 billion other women on the planet - go talk to one who isn’t on the internet!
I second your reply, and also feel he is either being catfished, or she gets off on this. He probably isn’t the only one she is doing this to. He doesn’t know what she looks like, how he even know she real person? I’m confused if she part of a friend group then shouldn’t he have met her in real life?
I’m confused if she part of a friend group then shouldn’t he have met her in real life?
My assimption is that all of OP’s friends involved are only online friends.
he is either being catfished, or she gets off on this. He probably isn’t the only one she is doing this to.
Sure, anything is possible. But lacking any other evidence, I choose to believe that she is probably just a nice, but misguided, person trying to lift his spirits. Imo, trying to guess at her exact motives is a fool’s errand. All that matters to OP is what she says and does, and how OP responds to this. Trying to “out” her for her nefarious plans, or spending time hating her for catfishing him when he still doesnt know what she looks like is, at best, a waste of time and energy.
The question is what should OP actually do? And we don’t need to know her secret intentions in order to (1) establish boundaries and (2) seek out other options.
Ding ding ding! We have a winner!
Maybe hard to swallow but this is it.
The way she behaves now should be treated as a snapshot of any future you may have with her. Consider this - if she can’t communicate openly, is that a person you really want to be in a long-term relationship with?
She may not be telling you much about herself directly, but she’s telling you a lot about herself “between the lines.” She isn’t clearly saying what she wants in regards to relationships, and she seems to know how to rein in your attention at her whim. This is the sort of dynamic I’d expect to encounter from a 20 y/o that’s still figuring out how to handle relationships.
But she’s 30? I hate to have to tell you this, but this may be a pattern she’s become accustomed to. In other words, you’re probably not the first guy she’s treated like this (and unless she grows up, you won’t be the last.) She should be mature enough by now to know the importance of clear communication with a potential partner. If she isn’t doing that, and isn’t listening to your (absolutely fair) request to know more about her, that’s a massive red flag.
The best thing is probably to be honest about your confusion and tell her about it. If you don’t want her to say these things just to boost your ego, say it. If she goes on after that, well maybe she is interested after all.
I will try and talk to her about this soon
Not saying that it is the case here, but if a girl online is asking everything about a guy, but is vague about herself, sometimes they’re trying to scam the guy into giving gifts or money. So, be careful.
She hasn’t really implied doing anything like that, but I will definitely be watching out for that
It’s weird that she won’t give you a direct answer. Brushing off a direct question and then continuing with the previous behavior is troubling. Don’t send her any money or gifts. You say she wants to get to know you more but you shouldn’t answer any questions she has that could be used to defeat a security question challenge.
I will keep my eye out for anything suspicious. Thank you for the reply!
I’m glad to hear that. I didn’t want you to take my comment as a negative thing (about yourself, women or relationships.) In my experience, if you think someone is flirting with you they likely are. If you don’t know why they are flirting then you are either selling yourself short or your gut is telling you something seems off. Either way, every person has to find the balance between paranoia and openness that allows for both a fulfilling relationship and not getting sim jacked.
Don’t get your hopes up. Sounds like this is running away with you a little. It’s nothing, just flirting.
Jerkface is Canadian and they will get married to be polite take their advice with a grain of salt.
OP did say that she spent “a whole day” telling them she has a crush on them. That’s a little bit more than flirting. One might even call it a bold advance!
What OP needs to do is clarify that he doesn’t want casual flirting to be a part of the relationship, serious inquiries only please.
Also, OP needs to ask real people about their opinions on this and not the weirdos on Lemmy who don’t know anything about the actual people involved.
They are sending strong mixed messages. They are coming close, and then running away. This is a common pattern and it means STAY AWAY.
Draw your boundaries.
In the game, do you give her things?
She seems like she is trying to lead you along so you keep fulfilling a need she has but isn’t genuinely interested in you or you getting to know her.
There are a lot of other possibilities, but a lot more specific information would be needed to make a judgement call on her motivations.
No I don’t usually give her stuff, more so I’ll help her out with something and then she’ll either give me stuff or help me out with something else in return
Maybe what she wants is for you to figure out what YOU want instead to just reacting to her.
Fake : Anon has a girlfriend.
Gay : She’s a man and has a crush on you.
flirt back with the intention of boosting hers and see where that takes you. worst case scenario you both get self esteem.
Go clean with her. It’s better than trying to guess what she’s after with strangers on the internet.
Healthy relationships, even friendship ones are based on good communication.
Setting boundaries too.
Very good points. I will talk to her about this
My two cents: imbalance is a red flag.
Her being interested in you is not weird, being cagey about herself is. If you want to, explore topics she is willing to talk about and build from there. Otherwise, keep at arm’s length and see where it goes.
She’s absolutely getting something out of it, probably enjoying the feeling of being able to induce a reaction. I think “boosting your ego” has much less to do with it than her own ego.
Hmm I definitely didn’t think of that. Could be very possible
Op your probably not the only one she doing this to. Sounds like she enjoys this to you. I would nope out before she turns on you. Right now she building you up. There are toxic women out there and she sounds like one to me. But to find out I force the issue. Demand to know things about her and tell her no more until she does.
She’s a man
Definitely something I wasn’t thinking about!
I have a poster on the wall in my house full of wordly advice. One the things is all the chick’s on the internet are dudes
