So I don’t disagree that this is the best way to do it, and I find your suggestions helpful, but… what about the phones in people’s pockets that could be recording and the security cameras inside buildings?

Doesn’t that data end up in the hands of a corporation that aggregates data about everything you do, or am I being way too paranoid/conspiratorial about this? I assumed that machine learning algorithms would make it trivial to automatically parse and aggregate all of that data for every individual, but maybe I’m overestimating the scope and accuracy of these systems.

Why do you need to stop using discord?

I’m worried about the current U.S. political climate. Discord is an American company with data about what millions of people are talking about, including their political opinions, minority status, and what groups they associate with. It seems like a goldmine for the government to compile a list of targets to go after in future purges. I don’t know how easy it is to tie users with real-world identities (certainly payment info would be one way), but I don’t want to find out.

And, well, I guess I’m a coward. I saw privacy as necessary for survival because it might spare me from ending up on the list, at least temporarily. But now I’m starting to realize that hiding might just be a really crappy solution. I’m not doing anything to prevent these purges from happening, and even if I succeeded at flying under the radar, the vast majority of people who believe the same way I do will be dead, hiding, or rotting in gulags. Is that the world I want to live in?

It seems like this short-sighted instinct to save myself is only isolating me and helping the enemy. I just find it hard to accept that I might not get to live much longer after everything I’ve done. I still have hopes and dreams, and it’s difficult to let them go, especially because everyone around me had so much hope for me. I don’t want to believe that my life could be cut short in what may become the largest genocide in history. But if I don’t come to terms with the truth, I will continue hiding in cold, lonely isolation, foolishly believing that the life I seek can still materialize as long as I stay quiet amidst the encroaching horrors.

But isn’t a bottom purely passive/receptive/compliant though? I also fantasize about assertively directing my partner’s pleasure too and find the idea thrilling. I didn’t talk about it much in the post because that was more expected with traditional gender roles. Wouldn’t the right term for me be “switch” or “versatile”?

The reason I need my partner to be assertive still is because I need the back-and-forth aspect to get excited, like in a “You got me good, now it’s MY TURN!” kind of way.

Yeah, I feel like I was pretty intellectually lazy in that part.

What I really mean is that I don’t like sexual activity that looks mean or degrading or painful or has dark undertones. It hits an uncanny valley for me because my preferred type of intimacy is all lovey-dovey and responsive to a partner’s real-time comfort. I don’t think BDSM is bad, it’s just not my thing.

Although maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I’ll change my mind one day and come up with some unique sunshine-and-rainbows twist on it. It just wouldn’t be what immediately comes to mind when people think of BDSM. I mostly added that section to make it clear that I’m not talking about the kind of control that people often associate with BDSM and meant something more nuanced.

I really like this argument because the only response I can come up with is “I’m uniquely kinky/unlucky compared to everyone else” based on no real evidence

Maybe… maybe I’m not the main character…

Yeah, that’s kind of why I mentioned at the end that this post might sound kind of ridiculous to outsiders lol.

One of the main reasons it sounds like incel talk is because the bedrock of this insecurity is gender essentialism, which is an idea that was hammered into my head constantly and very painfully when I was young. Now, it’s an incumbent idea that I have to viciously fight against, because if I don’t, I default to the established prescriptivist view: that because I deviate from gender roles, the very core of who I am is wrong and incompatible with society, I’m not masculine enough to find love, and my desires aren’t compatible with women. These were not just made-up ideas either; they were socially reinforced by nearly every person I talked to in the conservative communities I lived in. I was a pariah because I was different, even in my own family.

I had to think about this stuff extensively because it was the only counter I had to their speech. If I unquestioningly accepted what everyone said about me, I would be dead right now. But because I am willing to spend the time to seek outside information and deconstruct the toxic ideologies that surround me in the real world, I am able to build self-confidence in the face of universal rejection. There was no mentor figure or safe haven in my life who I could talk to about these issues, so I ultimately faced a long, arduous journey of de-programming myself by seeking outside information through the Internet.

It might be hard to believe from this post, but I feel 100 times better about myself today than I did a decade ago. Today, I wholeheartedly accept who I am and believe that I am capable and worthy of love. I’m just trying to figure out how to make intimacy work with my unique attraction patterns, and I’m making good progress on that, too!

Okay, okay, you’re not gonna believe this…

I don’t have any.

I never tried to date anyone precisely because I saw the kind of intimacy I wanted as impossible. I always just assumed that anyone I dated would flop over like a dead fish in bed, and that’s just not sexy to me. Up until this point, I believed that my own sexual drives were incompatible with everyone else’s and could only be satisfied through fantasy. Only now am I questioning if this is actually the case.

Honestly though, I’m free to call it whatever I want. My interests appear to revolve around physical affection itself and don’t involve any kind of structured roleplay, whereas examples of “mommy” content I’ve seen involve a more disciplinary figure and actual age regression with adult diapers, baby bottles, etc. I’m not into that at all, so I should probably just define my interests in my own words to avoid the baggage of using labels.

I actually wrote this on my own, but thanks for calling this out, because now I’m aware that GPT-style brainrot is polluting my own writing style and I should make a conscious effort to avoid it!

I really don’t want to believe this is what it actually is because of the shame and stigma, but I also can’t help but notice that it lines up perfectly with the fact that I was emotionally neglected in childhood and may never have experienced the things I’m attracted to…

A lot of mommy kink stuff weirds me out, though. I feel like I gravitate more towards “confident golden retriever best friend” types, perhaps because I don’t like the idea of an all-powerful dom partner and I want to take the lead sometimes too.

The two most obvious visual indicators are:

1. The woman is physically larger than the man and settles on top of him, gently pinning him beneath her weight. The visual size difference and ability to immobilize him convey dominance, while the visual of cuddling conveys affection.
2. The woman showers her partner with a one-sided deluge of big, messy, exaggerated kisses. The large coverage, firmness, and one-sidedness of her kisses convey dominance, while the visual of kissing conveys affection.

Most of the affection is expressed through emotions and dialogue, while most of the dominance occurs on the physical level. However, every physical action takes on the aesthetics of affection in the form of a visually recognizable cuddle or kiss. It’s just that these cuddles and kisses happen to also be big and powerful.

One of the most common examples of this in popular culture is the bear hug. The recipient is helplessly enveloped in a big, squeezing hug delivered with purely loving intent. These qualities—largeness, strength, envelopment, and loving intent—are the core of this brand of dominance, and every action is imbued with them. That translates into big strong cuddles and kisses, and lots of them at that.

many people equate dominance with aggression, especially physical aggression

It is perfectly possible to be controlling with soft power (more of a straitjacket than a bludgeon) but this is more subtle and more difficult to portray in a visual format

These are really good points. Sometimes the line between a supposedly submissive act and the kind of soft dominance I’m into gets really blurred, and my brain exploits this ambiguity by creating a soft dominant narrative for it. Combined with the association between dominance and aggression, it’s not clear that that “dominant” or “femdom” are good search terms for me to be using at all, because excluding it often leads to gentler dynamics. Often I find that what imagery I enjoy depends more on my subjective reinterpretation of it rather than what the creators originally intended for it to be.

By far the best I have is my own writing and imagination that convey the mood perfectly. That’s how I was able to figure out what I was even attracted to in the first place. And now I find myself alone on this little island asking, “Am I truly the only one like this? How is it possible that with all of the weird and wacky stuff on the Internet, something as simple as this is nowhere to be found?”

I edited my post because I forgot to mention that I went down the gentle femdom rabbit hole before.

EDIT: I’m also aware of the label “gentle femdom,” but from what I’ve seen in practice, much of the content under this label is the same kinds of power plays but less overtly cruel. In general, anything that restricts or denies pleasure or hints that the female partner is emotionally disconnected or taking advantage of the submissive partner is a huge turn-off for me. I’m looking for something that feels romantic and genuine. It would be nice if there was a label that specifically implied pure romantic connotations and excluded edgy “bad girl” behavior.

It is closer to what I want, but I’m looking for something with explicitly wholesome and romantic connotations, and I can’t seem to find a good label for that. I appreciate the response, though!

NSFW sites, image boards, social media, fanfiction sites… basically anywhere people can post stuff.

I’m interested in the broader social phenomenon (or lack thereof) in general. Are there broader social or business reasons why content like this is so rare? Is it just the lack of a widely-used term that makes it hard to find dynamics like this? (Could siloing things into discrete labels be making it harder to find variety?) Things like that.

Central Ohio, the general Columbus area.

Yeah, I specifically mentioned to my parents seeing an attractive employee stocking shelves in the grocery store, and they said that I should have approached her. She was clearly busy when I passed by her. I just kept my distance and casually thought, “Wow, there are plenty of fish in the sea. I’ll definitely find one eventually, in a more appropriate social setting.”

Not once did it cross my mind to strike up a conversation with a busy employee, but they insisted that I should have. In my mind, the fact that it’s easy to find women that I find attractive is proof that I don’t need to go out of my way for one. Attraction is not a quick time event; to me, it’s a reminder of abundance, of just how many chances I have to find someone. I don’t need to do silly stunts or disrupt busy people. I just need to keep creating social opportunities for it to happen organically, and eventually it will. I think my parents saying that I have to chat up every woman that I find attractive no matter where is silly and neurotic. I believe being patient and not stressing over every “missed opportunity” is the best way to go.

Besides, this thread is proof that I’m not ready for a girlfriend in the first place. It would be great for me to practice talking to strangers casually and making some friends first. That way, I can get comfortable talking to people in general and build my confidence.

I think the bigger issue here is that you are obviously uncomfortable with the idea of approaching people in public and your parents are treating this as irrelevant and something you are supposed to just force yourself to do it anyway despite feeling like the situation is wrong and threatening.

Unfortunately, this is normal behavior for them. They exhibit virtually no empathy and constantly talk trash about what expectations I don’t meet. They would rather laugh at me and insult me for having issues than actually help me. I’m on my own. They will spew the most vile filth imaginable, and when I insult them back, they suddenly get all pearl-clutchy and tell me that the Bible says I have to respect them no matter how awful they treat me. I tell them “Respect is a two-way street. You don’t have to be nice to people who make your life hell” and they go “B-but the BIBLE!!” They are cry-bullies. And their parenting was so psychotic that it radicalized me into becoming progressive. My brother, devout follower of their teachings, grew up to become a literal cat killer. And they treat him as a perfect child and ask why I can’t be like him. Yeah, uh, no thanks.

As a defense mechanism, I eventually learned to be contrarian. Whatever my parents said, I would take away the opposite lesson. Where they were rude, I was kind. Where they were discriminatory, I was inclusive. Where they promoted certain kinds of people as superior, I believed that no kind was inherently better than any other. Instead of ignoring suffering, I believed in helping those in need. The person I am resulted from my survival of this environment, not an embrace of it.

But this contrarianism prevents me from taking away nuanced lessons, and that means I need to intentionally seek that nuance. By asking about this issue, I hope to gain an understanding of some of that nuance, at least enough to help me continue to grow instead of falling into defeatism.

I don’t talk to anyone in public because I have historically considered it to be a violation of their right to be left alone. I believed that people stick together in groups of their friends or family, and those groups don’t want to interact with each other. Solo people are a group of one. If everyone follows those rules, there will be no unplanned or unwanted interactions with strangers. Given the current state of the world, the constant phone usage, and general social unrest, it made perfect sense to me that nobody would want to interact with anyone that they didn’t already trust. Based on the responses to that post, it seems like that mental model is flawed.

But this is why I assumed that the discourse around sexual harassment extended to approaching women at all. It was because I already believed that talking to strangers in general was an act of violating their space. So, I assumed that the discourse around guys being creeps was also talking about that. After all, I’d probably get nervous if someone randomly started talking to me, so of course it would make sense for other people to feel super uncomfortable from it, especially if you don’t know if the person talking to you is a predator.

This is an example of how wanting to do the right thing, combined with my limited social understanding, leads to weird and extreme takes.

Actually, I don’t. I am far more afraid of talking to men. All of the male family members I grew up around were violent. I was punched or choked as a kid if I did anything to offend them. And so, I learned to never do anything that could possibly provoke them for fear of what would happen to me. My mother also sometimes used corporal punishment on me, so I also learned to expect violence from women if they become angry.

So it seems like I have a general fear of offending people because, besides hurting others emotionally, I always expect violence to follow. The easiest way to avoid offending strangers is to never engage with them, and so that is the position I take by default. I don’t want to bother anyone.

And this is why I asked this question. I am now self-aware of the fact that I have a completely distorted hyper-paranoid mental model of social dynamics where negative reactions have nuclear consequences and must be avoided at all costs. At the same time, I know that most of my parents’ takes are pretty bad, but there is an occasional kernel of truth in what they say. I thought that this was likely to be one of those situations, so I wanted to see if others could help point out the nuance.

So far, I have lived my entire life under the fear of violence. It prevented countless friendships and social interactions from ever happening. I avoided everything bad at the cost of everything good, and it left me with nothing. That prevented me from learning a lot of common sense social norms, like when small talk is even appropriate. I just assume that it never is, and people would rather stare at their phones than ever talk to a stranger. I guess I’m wrong about that.

So, any advice on how to get these guys to actually listen? Not sure if this is just an American thing, but I’ve had some bad luck with ERs:

I’ve been kicked of the ER after suddenly losing all feeling in my arm (which thankfully came back a day later).

Another time, I had sudden weakness that was bad enough that I lost the ability to stand while in the waiting room. They checked my basic vitals, saw normal numbers, and rolled me out of the place at 3 AM in a wheelchair after accusing me of making up my symptoms.

When I went to the urgent care for this circulation issue (because the tip of my toe was literally turning black) the doctor told me that it wasn’t urgent and set me up with this vascular specialist. He said casually that it might be some kind of heart problem, but I’d probably be fine because I’m young. That was 3 months ago. The circulation in my hands has diminished during that medium-term time frame, which is the worst time scale for degenerative changes to occur, because it’s not urgent enough for most doctors to consider it an emergency, but not long-term enough for regular appointments to catch it in time.

I appreciate the suggestion to seek emergency care, I really do, but I’ve been burned so many times while losing thousands of dollars in the process that it’s not so clear cut to risk going for a medium-term issue. I don’t have much in savings left, and my parents have made it clear that they won’t be of any help. They accuse me of overreacting and saying that I’m completely healthy despite being physically disabled, and that I will be financially punished for seeking care. (Unrelated, but they are also full-throated fascists who believe that the Holocaust was justified, just to make it crystal clear what kind of people I’m dealing with here.)

It seems that my conditions are downplayed because of my youth, and to make matters worse, I had already been diagnosed with small-fiber peripheral neuropathy for completely DIFFERENT chronic pain years ago that couldn’t be explained, so they could write it off as that despite my hands demonstrably being ice cold when they weren’t before.

So if I’m going to do something like this, I need to do it right. I’m open to suggestions if anyone has any.