I recognize my dysphoria as the feelings of numbness/nothingness I have over who I am. Like for most of the time, I feel a distance from my body like it’s just kinda there rather then being me. Come to realize that there’s words for this specific type of dysphoria Ie depersonalization and dissociation. I mean come to understand I do have the more traditional traits too, not liking my facial hair, body hair, face and body etc in general but most of the time it’s just no feeling at all.

That’s also why I believe people should focus on gender euphoria, because I think that every trans person does experience some dysphoria it’s just can be extremely hard to recognize. The question that cracked my egg after doing research about trans topics was “do you think you would be happier as the opposite gender” and instinctively I knew the answer.

Feels like pressure.

At times it’s just a barely noticeable background level of weight, like sure I can handle this, no big deal. At other times, it feels like a crushing weight, painful, can barely even sleep, and all I can do is seek some kind of gender affirming euphoria to feel some relief.

Tonight is one of the latter, after feeling like I clothed myself in lies and had to perform all day, the pressure is unbearable. Looking forward to an evening of painting nails, makeup and spinny skirt.

I reacted to what I now recognize as dysphoria with avoidance for most of my life. A lot of others have recounted similar symptoms - disliking the way I look in pictures, hating shaving, and generalized depression that I unconsciously avoided addressing. I was never invested in conventionally masculine interests as a child. I got way into video games, which I now recognize gave me a way to roleplay female identities through feminine avatars without directly addressing the source of my discomfort in meat space. Unfortunately, my body trended masculine as I aged - thick beard, taller than average, prominent facial features, etc.

I leaned in during my twenties and got into strength sports as a defense mechanism, because I was afraid of being seen as a target to cis men. This actually helped, as I became friends with several very strong cis women who helped me to decouple “physical prowess = masculine, frailty = feminine” in my mind. I recognize now that I had several misogynistic ideas imprinted from my childhood that I had to unlearn.

As a result of all this, I am now visually very masculine presenting. I am tall, have a large beard, and am visibly muscular. I sometimes view my body as something other than myself, like a trusted bodyguard rather than my own form. This is probably not healthy, but it is better than my earlier state of generalized nonspecific depression.

I’ve been making an effort to be visibly queer at work in attempt to make something positive of what I’ve done with my body. I wear skirts and dresses, use they/them pronouns, and introduce myself as nonbinary. My goal is to “tank” negative attention away from other GNC folks and normalize free expression in the workplace, which I am primed to do both as someone who has accumulated some prestige and power and as someone whose physicality tends to illicit deference in others. Paradoxically, I feel that presenting as a “muscular dude in a dress” is received more positively than if I were to attempt to pass as a cis woman, although that is speculation on my part.

I dunno how sustainable this posture is, as I often find myself envious of trans women who are brave enough to abandon masculinity all together. However, I am still afraid of losing the protection and privilege that comes from walking around in a physically intimidating body.